Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

I am running really hard into the same wall over and over
I am imagining myself hopeful and happy again
but I feel like I am not sure I am wholly capable of being really happy
It feels like I have had to give up hope to survive
And I am tired of survival mode

I don't like anyone who likes me too much. The most alluring are the ones who capture your heart and then keep you an arms length away

So tired of games. As if it isn't difficult enough to truly understand and be understood. Not in a superficial, emotional quickie sort of moment but more of a lasting compatibility kind of way. And yet my desire runs so strong... I know I would, I could give it up even if I know I shouldn't

I don't think I am depressed, just recessed.

The ambivalent blogger

I am waffling on whether or not I should even have a blog. I don't really like to share myself as much as I used to when I was younger. 10 years ago I would have been on here non stop in efforts to reach out to the world at large. Now I play my cards close to my vest.
I do have a desire to begin expressing myself more and putting myself out there. I need some change in my life and am pretty occupied in my pursuit of change these days.
Stepping out of my routine puts me in a place where everything I do, everything I assume is up for question. Much of my 'progress' as I've gotten older has been in the art of retreat, and time can pass quickly in retreat. I am examining this now.
I have aspirations. I want to go back to school and study in areas that fascinate me and point in the direction of meaningful work. Every job has good days and bad days but I think that being able to believe in what you are doing must help in maintaining focus on the bad days. I do not want to be a banker anymore. I am glad for having had the experience and opportunities to achieve and experience what I have, but I also realize how much I have ran from my truer self to have gotten so far as I have. I am looking for a more fully integrated life, not focusing on one or two priorities but honoring a bigger picture of who I am. Banking doesn't allow me to do that.

Also, I spend ridiculous amounts of time analyzing and theorizing people, cultures, trends, behaviors. I can at times make myself a little crazy obsessing over 'the big picture' and how I as an individual, as a woman, a Canadian, an artist, musician, a survivor etc. etc. fit. I can stray a little into crazy by the sheer futility in my thinking. I think I would like to consider education as an avenue to discipline, and appropriate my circular thoughts and theories.
In other words, I am up to my eyeballs in work and hope to come out in a sure and changed direction than that which I came.

Fine. So What?

Okay so maybe he called that night after I posted my beef. Maybe he asked me out. So what?

Boys Are Stupid!

Okay not all boys. Not even necessarily all drunk boys. But some of them, boy howdy! First of all, I heard this one repeatedly during my adventures this weekend... "come on, just come home with me and cuddle". Yeah. I'm sure that's exactly what you have in mind. Cause God knows that drunk boys are horny for a good cuddle. Don't worry, I won't even try to make out with you. We'll just cuddle. Cause it is so awesome to cuddle with people who don't a crap about you.
To this complaint I would like to add another. Stupid boys who pursue you and ask for your phone number and have no intention of calling. My first thought is this: I never asked for a follow up. Honestly I am pretty cool with just leaving it be. So why go on and on about how much you like me, spend an evening pursuing me, ask me for my phone number, when you and I both know you are not really interested. I am not one of these girls who needs to be bullshitted. I just think it is sort of stupid when I am not showing any interest in seeing you again. Lets both have some self respect and hey who knows, maybe we'll see each other around. At least if you don't work overtime at revealing your chumpiness, we could have a friendly hello, what's up. I must admit that I don't always understand the male mind. As far as I can tell guys play way more games than girls do, even when the girl isn't actually participating!?! Maybe they realize that you don't really care for them so they play games to irritate you as opposed to you just being oblivious.

We Have Lift Off!

Well, it looks like life is drastically going to change again. I knew this would be the case, but it caught me off guard by coming a month earlier than I expected. Looks like I will be starting crazy school on Monday, the beginning, instead of the end of the month. I got a phone call from the U of A today and they asked me if I would like to start earlier, as I had requested to be put on the early admin list, and that there was an opening for Monday. In my head, I am trying to recall exactly what day it is, what plans I have made for the next month and wrap my head around the drastic change that is about to occur. Perhaps prompted by my lack of response, the woman on the other end of the phone mentions that I seemed to be eager to start, moreso than the others in my preadmin group. While I consider that this will be sacrificing a month of solitude at home (my best friend and worst enemy these days) I also remind myself that this is what I have waited 14 months for. The last 14 months have been a strange anomaly in my life. While they have cemented my awareness that I do need to invest my attentions and awareness to figuring out some direction for my future, these months have also stood in the way of me actually stepping into my future, as a result of having to wait on lengthly systems and waiting lists to get the support I am pursuing. I am what you would call a 'solutions oriented person'. I am not a waiter, I am a doer. So to go from workaholism to doing nothingaholism in 14 months has been challenging to say the least. On top of that, I have been waiting for so long now that I am more comfortable hibernating than being on a schedule. So to realize that this whole outlived phase of my life actually OVER now, is rather jarring. But it is good! On with life already! Yes, it is time to rejoin the land of the living. Over and out.

Feeling frustrated...

I have not been sure whether/what to blog since I feel that I have few answers, excitement or happenings worth sharing. What I do have is a lot of frustration and dis-ease, and that's not fun for anyone. As I have considered sharing, what to share and who may read it, I have felt really challenged by my own courage to be really authentic and speak my truth. I think that is probably a good thing. I have felt tempted to delete my blog altogether and have posted a new entry, which I also promptly deleted on account of my own unpleasantness. I would like to deliver a funny clever blog that will earn me the respect and admiration of all who read it, while not splaying out my vulnerabilities too much, because that is just not cool. And God forbid anyone think that I am not cool. I am super-cool. I am coolness personified.
So in an effort to maintain my delusion that everyone actually believes this (because it's true you know) I am actually stunting myself into myself and keeping a great deal of emotional distance between me and everyone. I actually had someone point this out to me last week. I went for breakfast with a woman who could potentially be a new friend. I made the invitation, and she accepted. While we were talking and getting to know each other better, she shared with me that she was very surprised that I extended the invitation. She said that she had felt an attraction to my personality but never would have guessed that I was interested in making a connection. We are in a group that meets weekly and she told me that I didn't seem interested in really socializing with anyone, and that came off very aloof. Anyone who has known me for any real amount of time may or may not be as surprised to hear this as I am. Part of me was pleased to hear this, because it made me feel strong, independent and invulnerable. But there is another part of me, deeply buried, that would like to feel more confident and vibrant in groups, where I am who I am, unashamed, and if anyone doesn't like me, tough. Nobody puts toots in a corner. I really admire people who don't seem to give a s#!t what people think of them, and don't hide behind aloofness. Sometimes that is me, sometimes not. Sometimes I live very internally and exert all of my energy to contain myself, deep inside so that nobody can see what I am feeling, because I am so not wanting to deal with the fallout of actually being known. It just seems easier to be self contained.
I am feeling now that it is time to come out of my shell more, and I believe that going to my upcoming 'crazy school' will be just the place to do so. I am thinking and hoping that a lot of the things that are currently 'up in the air' in my life will settle down, into their place and I will be able to start laying the foundations of what is obviously destined to be my fabulous life. Clearly crazy school will be the answer to all of my woes.
Also, I was mistaken about Richard in my last blog. He wasn't in town that Friday, it was a different Friday. Apparently that fabulous Richard love glow reaches farther than just a city. On another strange visitation note, George Bush will be doing his first public speaking appearance since leaving office in Calgary of all places... how weird is that? Alberta is truly attracting all of the 'greats'.

Adventures in toots town...

Well, now that I have a follower, the distinguished Eat Muhsk, I feel obliged to write something. I don't like to express myself too much these days, I think it is because I am not feeling very proud or inspired by the way I am living my life right now. In fact, I'd rather not talk about it. Anywho, the world keeps turning and I am getting older, whether I participate in life or not. So, maybe it is good to get connected. With Eat, and with myself. Not that I am doing anything so fancy dancy as living in Kathmandu, (which may in fact be far more dancy than fancy) but maybe to people living in Kathmandu, Edmonton is exotic. It's all relative.
I can see that I am off to a strong start, so I will keep on going. My week consisted of Karaoke overkill and a lot of weirdness. Also, a sore throat and a friendly red-head visitor from Vancouver, the black hole that is sucking in all of my friends. I baked chocolate chip cookies and carrot, orange, ginger soup. I made buttons and I made a shirt. On the defunct 4th year anniversary of me and my ex, I also lost a valued band member. That night at Karaoke (of course) I got smoked in the back of the head by some guys elbow, who tried to comfort me by leaving his hand on my shoulder for an awkwardly long time. I removed it in surliest of fashion. My head proceeded to throb. Afterwards, while coming out of the washroom, a very petite man (moron) at the pool table told me I owed him a dollar, as he was playing for money, and I evidently and unknowingly knocked one of the balls into the pocked as I walked by. After staring at him in confusion as my head throbbed, I told him to eat it, and went and sat down. He later payed a visit to my table, and over the pounding in my head, I think I heard him say "if you're going to start something you should finish it" uhhhhhhhhh....? Also, a very old, small and inebriated man thought it necessary to give me a shoulder rub, as my friends were trying to shoulder/head rub the pain away. Please sir, no more. Weird night. There is, however a silver lining to this story. As we were leaving the pub, my friend Heather had a guy friend of hers put mr. pool shark in his place, as she raced around knocking all of the balls on the table into the pockets. As she walked (quickly) out of the bar, one of the pool miscreants said "that was NOT cool" I beg to differ.

Speaking of cool, I hear that Richard Simmons is in Edmonton this evening. I can feel the warmth of his love-glow on my face, even from my bedroom. Sweet Dreams, fair prince, sweet dreams. <3