Saturday, April 18, 2009

The ambivalent blogger

I am waffling on whether or not I should even have a blog. I don't really like to share myself as much as I used to when I was younger. 10 years ago I would have been on here non stop in efforts to reach out to the world at large. Now I play my cards close to my vest.
I do have a desire to begin expressing myself more and putting myself out there. I need some change in my life and am pretty occupied in my pursuit of change these days.
Stepping out of my routine puts me in a place where everything I do, everything I assume is up for question. Much of my 'progress' as I've gotten older has been in the art of retreat, and time can pass quickly in retreat. I am examining this now.
I have aspirations. I want to go back to school and study in areas that fascinate me and point in the direction of meaningful work. Every job has good days and bad days but I think that being able to believe in what you are doing must help in maintaining focus on the bad days. I do not want to be a banker anymore. I am glad for having had the experience and opportunities to achieve and experience what I have, but I also realize how much I have ran from my truer self to have gotten so far as I have. I am looking for a more fully integrated life, not focusing on one or two priorities but honoring a bigger picture of who I am. Banking doesn't allow me to do that.

Also, I spend ridiculous amounts of time analyzing and theorizing people, cultures, trends, behaviors. I can at times make myself a little crazy obsessing over 'the big picture' and how I as an individual, as a woman, a Canadian, an artist, musician, a survivor etc. etc. fit. I can stray a little into crazy by the sheer futility in my thinking. I think I would like to consider education as an avenue to discipline, and appropriate my circular thoughts and theories.
In other words, I am up to my eyeballs in work and hope to come out in a sure and changed direction than that which I came.