Sunday, February 15, 2009

Feeling frustrated...

I have not been sure whether/what to blog since I feel that I have few answers, excitement or happenings worth sharing. What I do have is a lot of frustration and dis-ease, and that's not fun for anyone. As I have considered sharing, what to share and who may read it, I have felt really challenged by my own courage to be really authentic and speak my truth. I think that is probably a good thing. I have felt tempted to delete my blog altogether and have posted a new entry, which I also promptly deleted on account of my own unpleasantness. I would like to deliver a funny clever blog that will earn me the respect and admiration of all who read it, while not splaying out my vulnerabilities too much, because that is just not cool. And God forbid anyone think that I am not cool. I am super-cool. I am coolness personified.
So in an effort to maintain my delusion that everyone actually believes this (because it's true you know) I am actually stunting myself into myself and keeping a great deal of emotional distance between me and everyone. I actually had someone point this out to me last week. I went for breakfast with a woman who could potentially be a new friend. I made the invitation, and she accepted. While we were talking and getting to know each other better, she shared with me that she was very surprised that I extended the invitation. She said that she had felt an attraction to my personality but never would have guessed that I was interested in making a connection. We are in a group that meets weekly and she told me that I didn't seem interested in really socializing with anyone, and that came off very aloof. Anyone who has known me for any real amount of time may or may not be as surprised to hear this as I am. Part of me was pleased to hear this, because it made me feel strong, independent and invulnerable. But there is another part of me, deeply buried, that would like to feel more confident and vibrant in groups, where I am who I am, unashamed, and if anyone doesn't like me, tough. Nobody puts toots in a corner. I really admire people who don't seem to give a s#!t what people think of them, and don't hide behind aloofness. Sometimes that is me, sometimes not. Sometimes I live very internally and exert all of my energy to contain myself, deep inside so that nobody can see what I am feeling, because I am so not wanting to deal with the fallout of actually being known. It just seems easier to be self contained.
I am feeling now that it is time to come out of my shell more, and I believe that going to my upcoming 'crazy school' will be just the place to do so. I am thinking and hoping that a lot of the things that are currently 'up in the air' in my life will settle down, into their place and I will be able to start laying the foundations of what is obviously destined to be my fabulous life. Clearly crazy school will be the answer to all of my woes.
Also, I was mistaken about Richard in my last blog. He wasn't in town that Friday, it was a different Friday. Apparently that fabulous Richard love glow reaches farther than just a city. On another strange visitation note, George Bush will be doing his first public speaking appearance since leaving office in Calgary of all places... how weird is that? Alberta is truly attracting all of the 'greats'.

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